Teapocalypse: The *MAP* of Denier States Under the Sea

There is no amount of empirical data that will persuade the modern conservative that climate change is a reality.

Not the fact that the polar ice caps are melting . Not the fact that Arctic sea ice is disappearing. Not the fact that the global concentration of carbon dioxide has reached 400 parts per million. Not the fact that frankenstorms and wildfires wreak indiscriminate havoc with alarming regularity. Not even the fact that 2001-2010 was the warmest decade in recorded history.

The planet is cooking and all Johnny Wingnut can say is, “pass me the Hawaiian Tropic.”

And, it doesn’t matter where the information comes from, either. NOAA and NASA are part of a One World Order conspiracy or, at the very least, a socialist plot to eradicate guns, god, liberty and Ted Nugent.

The Pentagon is in on the plot too because as early as 2004 it began contingency planning the quite unpleasant scenarios resulting from megadroughts and massive flooding. Population shifts and crop failures lead to destabilization and unrest across the globe. At the Pentagon, they’re paid to analyze real data and they’re more than a little nervous about what climate science suggests.

The modern conservative is an oxymoron if ever there was one. And, these oxymorons – the Gohmerts and the Bachmanns – are too busy charming snakes and masturbating Exxon executives to give a good goddamn about planet Earth. Climate change isn’t mentioned in the Old Testament so to hell with it. Exxon executives, well they must be in there somewhere – maybe the Book of Lamentations.

It seems, it will take something biblical for the Gohmerts to finally comprehend what is happening.  Perhaps even diluvian – they really dig that Noah’s Ark story.

A Teapocalypse!

Jehovah God punishes only the deniers and saves the believers. Isn’t that the way these things go. Only this time, it’s science we’re talking about. When JG is done, the country will look something like this:

[Click to Enlarge]

That’s the Lower 28 1/2. Isn’t it beautiful.

That’s the country if climate change affects only the states whose representatives in the House and the Senate deny global warming.

Now, some states get a little lucky – they are saved by rather hefty mountain ranges. A few progressive cities in denier states are saved too – like San Antonio and Austin. But, Red ‘Merica gets hit hard.

There’d be some justice if it all happened this way. No oxymorons would be hurt in the making of the Teapocalypse, but they would be relocated to reservations in Appalachia, the Isthmus of South Dakota and Little Rock Island out there in the middle of the Gulf of Kansas – down there where Arkansas used to be (see map).

Maybe then, finally, the modern conservative would believe the undeniable. Then, of course, it’s really too late for him anyway. Most of real America would be gone.

There is nothing discriminating about global climate change, though. It will hit the believers and the deniers alike. Those who want to make necessary changes and those who would change nothing.

When the floods and the fires come, the deniers will busily deny having denied while the rest of us scramble to save what of Mother Earth we can.

It doesn’t have to come to that, but it will. And, it will be biblical.

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