Teapocalypse: The *MAP* of Denier States Under the Sea

10 indicators of global warmingThere is no amount of empirical data that will persuade the modern conservative that climate change is a reality.

Not the fact that the polar ice caps are melting . Not the fact that Arctic sea ice is disappearing. Not the fact that the global concentration of carbon dioxide has reached 400 parts per million. Not the fact that frankenstorms and wildfires wreak indiscriminate havoc with alarming regularity. Not even the fact that 2001-2010 was the warmest decade in recorded history.

The planet is cooking and all Johnny Wingnut can say is, “pass me the Hawaiian Tropic.”

And, it doesn’t matter where the information comes from, either. NOAA and NASA are part of a One World Order conspiracy or, at the very least, a socialist plot to eradicate guns, god, liberty and Ted Nugent.

The Pentagon is in on the plot too because as early as 2004 it began contingency planning the quite unpleasant scenarios resulting from megadroughts and massive flooding. Population shifts and crop failures lead to destabilization and unrest across the globe. At the Pentagon, they’re paid to analyze real data and they’re more than a little nervous about what climate science suggests.

The modern conservative is an oxymoron if ever there was one. And, these oxymorons – the Gohmerts and the Bachmanns – are too busy charming snakes and masturbating Exxon executives to give a good goddamn about planet Earth. Climate change isn’t mentioned in the Old Testament so to hell with it. Exxon executives, well they must be in there somewhere – maybe the Book of Lamentations.

It seems, it will take something biblical for the Gohmerts to finally comprehend what is happening.  Perhaps even diluvian – they really dig that Noah’s Ark story.

A Teapocalypse!

Jehovah God punishes only the deniers and saves the believers. Isn’t that the way these things go. Only this time, it’s science we’re talking about. When JG is done, the country will look something like this:

[Click to Enlarge]

teapocalypse revised2

That’s the Lower 28 1/2. Isn’t it beautiful.

That’s the country if climate change affects only the states whose representatives in the House and the Senate deny global warming.

Now, some states get a little lucky – they are saved by rather hefty mountain ranges. A few progressive cities in denier states are saved too – like San Antonio and Austin. But, Red ‘Merica gets hit hard.

There’d be some justice if it all happened this way. No oxymorons would be hurt in the making of the Teapocalypse, but they would be relocated to reservations in Appalachia, the Isthmus of South Dakota and Little Rock Island out there in the middle of the Gulf of Kansas – down there where Arkansas used to be (see map).

Maybe then, finally, the modern conservative would believe the undeniable. Then, of course, it’s really too late for him anyway. Most of real America would be gone.

There is nothing discriminating about global climate change, though. It will hit the believers and the deniers alike. Those who want to make necessary changes and those who would change nothing.

When the floods and the fires come, the deniers will busily deny having denied while the rest of us scramble to save what of Mother Earth we can.

It doesn’t have to come to that, but it will. And, it will be biblical.



16 thoughts on “Teapocalypse: The *MAP* of Denier States Under the Sea

  1. Not to worry.. the whole Party has been waiting for this day for ions… only they call it the Apocalypse. Right now they’re packing a few things and humming ‘up, up and away in my beautiful balloon’ – while many of us suffer from the worse symptoms of climate change, yet.

    This year it’s the pollen with the air and the worst season for the majority of allergy and asthma sufferers, yet, one like no other. Airnow.gov is courtesy of the government and can at least let one know not to go outside. And even then, sufferers not safe inside either.

    Climate change is more than temperature, it affects the Combination of the air we breathe, the ozone, our very health. But what care the Conservatives or worse, the Teapublicans … their feet never touch the ground. The best we can hope for there is room on the island or the Appalachia. Goodbye Ohio.

  2. It’ll never happen as long as the northern and southern hemispheres have opposing seasons. Read Genesis 8:22

    • Indeed. As long as the hemispheres have opposing seasons the filth we spew into the atmosphere will have no effect. Utter nonsense.

      Genesis 8:22! Wake up, man. The global concentration of carbon dioxide has reached 400 parts per million. Your Genesis 8:22 will not have addressed that.

      Get your head out of a book of myths and magic and do something for the planet that has been bequeathed to you. God would want that.

    • So what if they have opposing seasons. Both of them are warming over what they used to be 50 years ago. Check on the Andean glaciers that are disappearing. Check on the net loss of ice in the Antarctica. It would be worse if the warming air weren’t dropping more snow since it carries more moisture from the oceans. Check on the acidity of the oceans and how that is affecting the ability of shellfish and corals to make CaCO3 for their shells.

  3. So incensed to have to face the consequences from the non-actions of a bunch of primitives who look to old Jewish guys from 2,000 years ago and earlier to tell them how to live. Hey, folks. Those texts you are so besotted by were written by mortals, they are full of ancient fairy tales that traveled between many cultures and, yup, sure enough, were re-purposed into chapters of the writings that became the bible, and have furthermore been serially translated and re-interpreted by hundreds and hundreds of years of male politicians to suit their own needs and greedy interests. THAT’S just history. Refer to The council of Nicea when the bible was re-written by a bunch of warring political Christian factions who eliminated all texts that referred to reincarnation, the value of women and their place in the church and society, etc etc. Genesis 8:22 my ass. That in itself is interpretable differently just by shades of meaning and accent, even if one DID accept the poetic musings of some guy from thousands of years ago while telling a cultural mythology on a parchment. Unbelievable how people will suspend their every speckle of intelligence just so they don’t have to think for themselves. http://www.tertullian.org/rpearse/nicaea.html

  4. Pingback: Climate Craziness of the Week: A great flood will punish the disbelievers | Watts Up With That?

  5. Anthony Watts at WUWT can’t figure out if the Teapocalypse is serious or not. Seriously!!

    He’s probably searching his atlas right now, deciding where he’d rather live out his days: on a reservation in Appalachia, on the Isthmus of South Dakota or maybe Little Rock Island out there in the middle of the Gulf of Arkansas

    • @Sou – Anthony Watts sent a few of his ill-tempered minions our way. Poor, misguided souls. They wallow in pseudo science and favor ad hominem argument.
      They also have no idea how to interpret this piece – very confused and humorless souls.

      It give us great pleasure to know that we have stirred their nest. Keep up the fight!

  6. I know to be aware , alert and suspicious of the unknown is a purpose of this Essay but I wouldn’t be faithful to the Essay if I didn’t let loose of some of the strange looking plants I’ve been seeing this summer, actually they’re called weeds… because I’m weeding. These are now 4-not quite six ft, they grow fast and they grow thick, but they’re not trees, and not similiar to any weeding I’ve done in last 12 years. I have to mention the smell, also, because if it’s chlorophyll it’s worth checking the Chemistry of the Chemicals. Now this sounds like common sense to me … if you start changing the natural order of any living … but we’ll leave it there and stay in the rest of the day.

    One last thing, I’ve noticed this change slowly the last 3-4 years. The idea did pass my mind that these weeds were indigenous to a different climate? not true. Now they’re getting to the point of potency because odors are no longer odors when they become part of the ozone, in my opinion.

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